The Language of Starvation in Marriage

       "The Five Love Languages"

       One of my favorite books of all time.  It is full of wisdom and practical knowledge for any relationship, but most especially for marriage.  The basic premise of this book, by Gary Chapman, is that every human being has a basic love language that when spoken to them maximizes the success, richness, and security of the love relationship.  I highly recommend this book for anyone, single or married.  

The five love languages are:
 Words of Affirmation, Receiving gifts, Physical Touch, Acts of Service, and Quality Time. 

       In every relationship we need all five, but most of us deeply crave one or two main languages to feel truly loved and understood.  We also must purposely learn the language of our spouse and commit to loving them in that way...always.
     My husband and I read this book together 19 years ago and it we still use it and practice it's model today.   It is always a help to us, and convicts us. But what I would like to discuss today is not the positive of speaking your love language to your husband (today I am talking to wives), but the negative of NOT speaking your love language to your husband. 

    I am talking about what I call the "Language of Starvation" in marriage.

     Let me explain.........

    My dear fellow women.  I think we are starving our men.  And believe me I am speaking from my own conviction and not from a place of perfection or pride.  I believe we are literally starving our husbands.  Not starving our girlfriends, or even our kids, but our husbands.   We have swung so far the opposite direction from the anti 50's mindset that we are confused how to serve, sacrifice and joyfully love our men without "giving up our rights".  We have become master manipulators, easy rationalizers, and complain way to easily when our men do not "become" what we hoped, or provide what we want.  We have gotten so used to society talking about giving 50/50  that we have lost our way in learning the 100/100 concept and choosing sacrificial, intentional collaboration which is the ONLY way to have a rich, meaningful marriage.  

     For example, to NOT speak my husband's love language which I know to be "Words of Affirmation", means criticism.  It means NOT being his cheerleader, his friend, his champion.  Not choosing to love him the way he feels the most loved, is by definition, withholding love.  Starving him.  Starving our marriage.  

     A year ago my man had an honest conversation with me and told me that amidst the good things I was involved in....the serving, the volunteering, etc....that I was leaving my leftovers for him.  Ouch.  Yes, ouch.  But, you know what?  He was absolutely right.  And if I only give him my leftovers and starve him, that is exactly what my marriage will be.  Nothing but leftovers.

     I don't want that.  Do you?  If you are most women I know, your answer will be NO.   We don't go into marriage for mediocre, mundane, half way.   That is not what we dream about.  But are WE what they dreamed about?  We can't just feed their stomachs.  We need to feed their hearts.  We need to sacrifice when we want to cross our arms and stomp our feet like a little girl who demands to be taken care of.  We need to work harder on our marriage than we do on our girlfriend relationships.  Yes our men are responsible for their own behavior and I am not talking about marriages in crisis that need help.  But, let's be real.  We wives sometimes wait around for our husbands to "be all they can be" before we do our part.  And then we wonder why our marriage seems empty and starved. 

    So let's pray for each other ladies.  Let's encourage each other, even when it's hard, to eliminate the "Language of Starvation" in our marriages.  Let's not tempt each other to ignore and criticize our husbands.   Let's be their best friend by loving them wholly, not with conditions.  Let's change the statistics.  

   Yes "feeding" a man is the way to his heart.  Much more than we know.  Want to feel like the most loved woman on earth?  Trying loving him like he is the best man on earth. 

   Oops...it's dinner time...off to feed my man.  Don't want to him to starve.....

 
    

                                     Deb :-)
                                     http://www.5lovelanguages.com/